Relationships - no matter how long it has endured, once one party has given up, it's gone. A relationship never fixes itself.
But how worth it is it to fix?
Is it worth it to fix a relationship between you and another if it'll potential damage another relationship?
If relationships are the only things we can take with us, is it still possible that some relationships are not meant to be there at all?
Are some relationships only meant to endure for a specific purpose in a specific point in time?
Why do simple things seem more and more complicated as I age? =_=
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
Still learning, still immature, still imperfect
The last little while has been such an emotional roller coaster for me. This whole teacher job action has been extremely frustrating. I like things simple. I really don't like politics. It yanks the meaning out of teaching.
First of all, I just want to point out why most teachers choose this career path:
- Our job is meaningful and fulfilling (usually).
Despite the fact that some may appear sarcastic and bitter, they actually do enjoy the company they keep. There's really nothing more fulfilling than seeing the kids grow from grade 8 to graduation.
When they thank you, you feel like your job really means something. I've had to write several recommendation letters this year since my first group of grade 9s are graduating and they need it for entrance into post-secondary schools and for attaining scholarships/awards. I really didn't have a lot of trouble writing them because they are amazing. And for the ones who ask for reference even if I don't know them, I just reject it politely because I'm not going to lie. I'm excited that these brilliant people will be leaders of our future.
- We enjoy the subject area.
Foods is a passion of mine. Actually...eating is. But nevertheless, I try my best to teach my 'nonacademic' and 'useless' subject with passion because I'm not looking at the blank stares and the snoring students. I'm looking at the super passionate ones who finds this an adventurous path and a way out from attaining a degree they don't care for, just to obtain a job they hate. And I'm so proud when I see them living the dream. This is applicable to all subject areas.
- We are lifelong learners.
I honestly never cooked before my practicum. Everything in university is so theoretical. I can talk about world nutrition and food science, yet not be near actual ingredients. So I spent years (and currently) practicing every new dish and technique several times and tweaking the lab plan before I stand in front of the class. Every worksheet I make up, I check references to ensure that it's up to date and truthful. As long as I've been teaching, I've been learning and enriching my life with so much more knowledge than I started with.
If you think you can just 'be' a teacher and read off a textbook, you're kidding yourself. There are 30 pairs of eyes every hour judging everything you do and questioning you, expecting you to know the correct answers. If you don't, they are not shy to make you feel pretty bad about yourself. It's a big responsibility.
For those who do not know, Professional Days are non-paid days requested to be added into the school year by teachers so that we can continually learn and improve ourselves.
- We love the kids
I find it funny how so many people assume teachers 'hate' them. I hear that a lot. 'Ms. X hates me. She always picks on me.' I can tell from standing on the other side that there's just no time to hate any particular student.
If I pick on you, I want to know that you know what's going on. If I'm hard on you, it's because I think that tough love is what will push you to grow. If I'm nice to you, it's because I think gentle encouragement is what will help you be courageous to step up. If I punish you, it's a consequence for you knowing and doing the wrong thing - not because I'm mean and enjoy it. I don't treat all students the same way because not all students are the same. Parents should understand where I'm coming from.
Teachers sponsor sporting teams, clubs, and other extracurricular activities that more often than not, cut into lunch and after school hours. There's so much value in these activities because it gives students different life lessons, different experiences, different perspectives that will also help them grow.
With all that affirmed, why is it that when teachers go on job action, there are so many negative reactions towards them? Common insensitive comments:
- You get 3 months off a year! No other job gets that.
Technically speaking, our salary is calculated with the 'vacation' as unpaid. Unlike most jobs that start with two weeks paid vacation and increases as years go on (and yes, some jobs actually give up to two months paid vacation), teachers don't have that luxury. Especially if you are only part-time or a teacher-on-call, you need to find other means of paying bills/rent/mortgage because there's simply large chunks of the year where you don't have a job. Not to mention the vacation time is always high season so you need to spend excessively high rates to travel or do anything fun.
As for the full-time teachers, if you calculate a person working 7.5 hours, 5 days per week, for 50 weeks (two weeks paid vacation) compared to a full-time teacher working 36 weeks of the year (with unpaid vacation), it works out to each teacher having to work 10hrs25min per day. I gotta tell you, there are so many days where I work more than these hours (planning, testing recipes, shopping for ingredients, marking, helping students complete missed work, etc) that I definitely work as much as a regular full-timer if not more with no overtime pay. People think teacher hours = student hours. It's just simply not the case. I haven't even factored in extracurricular activities yet.
Do we deserve the break? Yes because if not, we'd all be burnt out, in a psychiatric hospital, or dead. - Teachers are lazy and greedy.
Once again, tons of unseen work as per written above that gets little recognition because I'm locked in a classroom by myself working into the wee hours of the night with no witnesses. Lazy?
As for greedy - everyone can download a copy of the teacher's salary online and those numbers are not even CLOSE to what we actually get. Do you know how many fees we need to pay to be part of the public system and to keep our teaching license? Do you realize how much money a teacher pulls from their own pockets to keep their classrooms stocked? Do you realize how much gas money I've spent shopping for groceries, which I can't write off? Do you know how much it costs to live in Vancouver??? The cost of living is just too high to keep teachers on a wage-freeze. It was frozen through the 90s and then there was a small raise in 2005 but we are still far behind other provinces and other countries (compared to cost of living) who actually value teachers.
When people hear about the 15% raise, they flip out and heads are spinning! But that's over several years meaning that it's only 2-3% increase per year which is just barely keeping up with inflation. Is that unreasonable? Private sectors get this even if the company is not doing well and when they do well, they get bonuses and chances to move up and make bigger bucks. Do people working in public sectors get the same opportunity? There's always a cap to the maximum you can receive regardless of how much work you put into it and how well you do. It's a wonder that teachers don't just do the bare minimum that they're paid to do. - Stop complaining and do your job!
And please tell us - what's our job? When a student succeeds, what a good student! When a student fails, what a bad teacher! During phase 1, when we stepped back from doing administrative work (not in our job description), there were talk about cutting our pay. Um...excuse me? - The government tells us that teachers are the reasons public education is failing
Hey, have you ever been seen a CEO of a company publicly ranting about how terrible their employees are? When you go to Walmart and a manager tells you their workers suck, do you feel like shopping there? Instead of polite interaction, Ms Clark chooses to fight. It's become Liberals vs. Teachers. Why? WHY? What good could come of this?
Even if teachers are legislated back to work, would they continue to feel value and fulfillment in their job? Would parents and students and the general public still respect teachers and public education if all this bad press surrounds us? It’s tearing down a system that allows all people equal opportunity to become educated and build a future for themselves. Why do this to such a good thing?
It makes me so angry that I literally spend hours with my head stuck in a gloomy cloud. So why? Why do people respond this way?
I’ve come to the conclusion that we are all very ignorant people. I’m so thankful for those who understand why we are taking a stand and supporting us through this ordeal. However, I’ve also learned that I cannot be angry with those who make these rude comments because I’ve also been guilty of assuming something about others as well. And instead of mature love (“loved because I love”), sometimes I still feel like I’m quite immature (“I love because I’m loved”). Learning from Christ is the most difficult lesson of all – dying for those who condemn you with only love in His heart. Sounds so simple but it’s crazy difficult.
Big lesson for me: Be tolerant and look pass the ugliness into the person whom God loves. Look at everyone through His eyes. Forgive them for they do not know better, as I hope to be forgiven when I make the same mistakes.
I’ve come to the conclusion that we are all very ignorant people. I’m so thankful for those who understand why we are taking a stand and supporting us through this ordeal. However, I’ve also learned that I cannot be angry with those who make these rude comments because I’ve also been guilty of assuming something about others as well. And instead of mature love (“loved because I love”), sometimes I still feel like I’m quite immature (“I love because I’m loved”). Learning from Christ is the most difficult lesson of all – dying for those who condemn you with only love in His heart. Sounds so simple but it’s crazy difficult.
Big lesson for me: Be tolerant and look pass the ugliness into the person whom God loves. Look at everyone through His eyes. Forgive them for they do not know better, as I hope to be forgiven when I make the same mistakes.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Thank you for reminding me at the exact time that I need it...
that I'm defined by God, not by man.
My identity and future is not to be brought down by what I deem as failure. All downfalls are opportunities for God to lead me in the correct direction, the more amazing path He already has set out for me.
Praise the Lord with all my soul.
Amen.
My identity and future is not to be brought down by what I deem as failure. All downfalls are opportunities for God to lead me in the correct direction, the more amazing path He already has set out for me.
Praise the Lord with all my soul.
Amen.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
God is LOVE...seriously
One of those things that people just say all the time in church - "God is love."
It's along the same lines as "Jesus loves you" and "Christ died for your sins" and all those important things that people should know, hear all the time, but never really know. Ya know?
Today, while I was trying to explain the purpose of the teacher strike to the students, I found that I was faced with some students who understood, but also a handful of conceited responses that seem to think that everything revolves around them:
"Why are you striking?" "Does that mean we don't get to play sports anymore because of you being on strike (unpaid work)?" "Does that mean we don't get our report cards because you are doing less work (even if it's unpaid work)?" "This is stupid" "How is this for us?" *tunes out explanation*
In my perspective, what is the point of taking a stand in doing something for these people who don't understand, don't appreciate, and don't care to learn about it? The terms ignorant, arrogant, short-sighted, self-absorbed, and immediate gratification comes to mind.
Yes, I'm pissed. Because in a job where most teachers are willing to sacrifice their own pathetic salary in an extremely expensive city to receive a better learning environment for the sake of the students, and receiving rude and condemning responses from the students really stirs up a wrath from within me.
At the same time, each day I go through praying for God to give me love and patience towards the kids, this experience really taught me how God must see us:
A bunch of whiney ninnies who are given a ton of blessings and yet still complains about how unfair life is. People who think they are better and deserve more than their neighbour. People who finds delight in seeing others fail just to make themselves feel like more of a winner. People who does not hesitate to take and feels like it's the biggest thing in the world to sacrifice.
How did God manage not to smite all us??? Because GOD IS LOVE. And it's damn hard having the power to rid this world of this dysfunctional race and choosing not to do it because He actually loves us that much.
All I have to say is everyone should be thankful that I'm not God because we'd all be fried chicken by now.
It's along the same lines as "Jesus loves you" and "Christ died for your sins" and all those important things that people should know, hear all the time, but never really know. Ya know?
Today, while I was trying to explain the purpose of the teacher strike to the students, I found that I was faced with some students who understood, but also a handful of conceited responses that seem to think that everything revolves around them:
"Why are you striking?" "Does that mean we don't get to play sports anymore because of you being on strike (unpaid work)?" "Does that mean we don't get our report cards because you are doing less work (even if it's unpaid work)?" "This is stupid" "How is this for us?" *tunes out explanation*
In my perspective, what is the point of taking a stand in doing something for these people who don't understand, don't appreciate, and don't care to learn about it? The terms ignorant, arrogant, short-sighted, self-absorbed, and immediate gratification comes to mind.
Yes, I'm pissed. Because in a job where most teachers are willing to sacrifice their own pathetic salary in an extremely expensive city to receive a better learning environment for the sake of the students, and receiving rude and condemning responses from the students really stirs up a wrath from within me.
At the same time, each day I go through praying for God to give me love and patience towards the kids, this experience really taught me how God must see us:
A bunch of whiney ninnies who are given a ton of blessings and yet still complains about how unfair life is. People who think they are better and deserve more than their neighbour. People who finds delight in seeing others fail just to make themselves feel like more of a winner. People who does not hesitate to take and feels like it's the biggest thing in the world to sacrifice.
How did God manage not to smite all us??? Because GOD IS LOVE. And it's damn hard having the power to rid this world of this dysfunctional race and choosing not to do it because He actually loves us that much.
All I have to say is everyone should be thankful that I'm not God because we'd all be fried chicken by now.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
I'm with Stupid
I've been at a spiritual low for awhile now and people (probably the one or two who bothers to read this) will probably find me a dark person considering it's always been something negative I write about. But I guess I consider this rarely visited blog a place to vent and not always to Jay - which I still do a lot so props to him for not getting pissed at me for being a thundercloud half the time.
Anyways, I know when I'm at a low when I find it so difficult to love another. When my positive energy is so easily overshadowed by someone's negative energy. For example, my day is going fine (but fine I mean I'm neither happy, nor sad) and then I go and hang around a person who makes annoying comments for about 2 minutes and I already want to chuck the closest object within hands reach at that person's head. I honestly wonder to myself when I became so short tempered. Not like I was that patient to begin with but I was definitely more of a happy-go-lucky person back then who probably wouldn't even notice people who make annoying comments here and there and small gestures and movements that could possibly signify that they are dissing me. I just didn't used to care because I'm happy not noticing. So why am I so sensitive and quick to anger now? I feel like I have very little love to give and I can't blame anyone else because I know that if I'm feeling this way, I must be giving off a negative vibe to someone else as well who will probably not treat me as friendly and closely since I'm probably intimidating and scary to be around. Even if I try to smile and be happy, I have very little to say and I feel distant with people I'm around. My conversational abilities have shot way down and I'm at a point where I just no longer want to talk to people anymore. All these qualities I don't want. I want to be my old self again. A person who cares about others and want to do more for others and want to make people happy which makes me happy. At this state, all my energy is going towards appeasing myself and not angering myself which is very selfish. God seems so far away...or maybe I'm just pushing Him away somehow because my heart doesn't feel the warm glow that should be there since He is living within me. I need Him now more than ever but waiting for something to happen...just don't know if I'm supposed to wait or do something.
Just today, I was at a friend's house and her husband just has to find a need to comment on the fact that my dad is 'cool' because he's the only non-Christian in my family. I have no reaction to that other than anger. I literally wanted to shove my seat back and leave. I obviously didn't because I know that it's not the right thing to do but I was burning inside. What does he know about my family difficulties over the years from my dad's side of the family being against us for being Christians? Not a dang thing! I don't know why people feel the need to make a comment like that. It's like going up to a cancer survivor and for no particular reason start saying "You said you had cancer, right? I don't believe in that. I think it's all in your head and if you believe you have cancer, then you do. I never had cancer because I don't believe I would." I mean it's a dumb example but even from that you can see that it's not socially acceptable to make a demeaning and degrading comment about something you know nothing about and just shove your own ignorant perspective into it. What purpose does that serve? How was I supposed to respond to it? What I really want to know is how is a Christian supposed to respond to it? Fight it out and stand up for your faith? Respond in love and understand in your heart that there are people who will persecute you and to set a good example? Hide under the bed? I don't know. It's infuriating. Yet another day if the life of the anti-sunshine.
Anyways, I know when I'm at a low when I find it so difficult to love another. When my positive energy is so easily overshadowed by someone's negative energy. For example, my day is going fine (but fine I mean I'm neither happy, nor sad) and then I go and hang around a person who makes annoying comments for about 2 minutes and I already want to chuck the closest object within hands reach at that person's head. I honestly wonder to myself when I became so short tempered. Not like I was that patient to begin with but I was definitely more of a happy-go-lucky person back then who probably wouldn't even notice people who make annoying comments here and there and small gestures and movements that could possibly signify that they are dissing me. I just didn't used to care because I'm happy not noticing. So why am I so sensitive and quick to anger now? I feel like I have very little love to give and I can't blame anyone else because I know that if I'm feeling this way, I must be giving off a negative vibe to someone else as well who will probably not treat me as friendly and closely since I'm probably intimidating and scary to be around. Even if I try to smile and be happy, I have very little to say and I feel distant with people I'm around. My conversational abilities have shot way down and I'm at a point where I just no longer want to talk to people anymore. All these qualities I don't want. I want to be my old self again. A person who cares about others and want to do more for others and want to make people happy which makes me happy. At this state, all my energy is going towards appeasing myself and not angering myself which is very selfish. God seems so far away...or maybe I'm just pushing Him away somehow because my heart doesn't feel the warm glow that should be there since He is living within me. I need Him now more than ever but waiting for something to happen...just don't know if I'm supposed to wait or do something.
Just today, I was at a friend's house and her husband just has to find a need to comment on the fact that my dad is 'cool' because he's the only non-Christian in my family. I have no reaction to that other than anger. I literally wanted to shove my seat back and leave. I obviously didn't because I know that it's not the right thing to do but I was burning inside. What does he know about my family difficulties over the years from my dad's side of the family being against us for being Christians? Not a dang thing! I don't know why people feel the need to make a comment like that. It's like going up to a cancer survivor and for no particular reason start saying "You said you had cancer, right? I don't believe in that. I think it's all in your head and if you believe you have cancer, then you do. I never had cancer because I don't believe I would." I mean it's a dumb example but even from that you can see that it's not socially acceptable to make a demeaning and degrading comment about something you know nothing about and just shove your own ignorant perspective into it. What purpose does that serve? How was I supposed to respond to it? What I really want to know is how is a Christian supposed to respond to it? Fight it out and stand up for your faith? Respond in love and understand in your heart that there are people who will persecute you and to set a good example? Hide under the bed? I don't know. It's infuriating. Yet another day if the life of the anti-sunshine.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Trust?
First off I'll have to admit that I do not plan to continue to blog the gratitude challenge just because I know it'll be an empty promise. At some point I'll have to figure it out myself for all the things I'm grateful for and to continue to remind myself that God always provides.
Tonight was one of those nights that shakes my faith in another person. I realize and have experienced negative things with EVERY person that I've come to known as a friend. I accept those negative traits as just part of who they are and in general, I believe that my friends are good people. Honestly, I believe that all people are good people in the eyes of someone and I just happen to not be friends with them due to personality differences or maybe because they are no where near me. In the eyes of God, who sees our vast amount of sins and still loves us and sent His son to die for us. There has got to be a reason why we are saved.
But what happens when there is a revelation that someone who is one of your close friends is actually not who you thought they were? That behind that smile, there is something sinister - a purpose for being friends with you planning to someday use you. That actions and words don't match at all! Is it possible that having seen that person struggle through so much pain, given up so much for other people, seen that person battling constantly inside themselves and expressing to you their weaknesses - can that person be someone entirely different? I've always wondered how some people can end up marrying a cheating b*st*rd and not realize it until 20 years later. How can you be so close, yet so far? Fools. That's how I feel like right now. A big fool.
But what am I supposed to do? With my personality, faking things is more difficult than just duking it out and end up on bad terms. At least there's still truth in a scream fest. What's the point of putting on a smile and putting effort into something you don't believe in? At this moment, the only reason why I can't demand the truth is because of a different person. It's like shoving me in a crack in the cement while I get poo smeared on my face from both sides and just take it.
God please give me wisdom and give me eyes to see the truth - the full truth.
Tonight was one of those nights that shakes my faith in another person. I realize and have experienced negative things with EVERY person that I've come to known as a friend. I accept those negative traits as just part of who they are and in general, I believe that my friends are good people. Honestly, I believe that all people are good people in the eyes of someone and I just happen to not be friends with them due to personality differences or maybe because they are no where near me. In the eyes of God, who sees our vast amount of sins and still loves us and sent His son to die for us. There has got to be a reason why we are saved.
But what happens when there is a revelation that someone who is one of your close friends is actually not who you thought they were? That behind that smile, there is something sinister - a purpose for being friends with you planning to someday use you. That actions and words don't match at all! Is it possible that having seen that person struggle through so much pain, given up so much for other people, seen that person battling constantly inside themselves and expressing to you their weaknesses - can that person be someone entirely different? I've always wondered how some people can end up marrying a cheating b*st*rd and not realize it until 20 years later. How can you be so close, yet so far? Fools. That's how I feel like right now. A big fool.
But what am I supposed to do? With my personality, faking things is more difficult than just duking it out and end up on bad terms. At least there's still truth in a scream fest. What's the point of putting on a smile and putting effort into something you don't believe in? At this moment, the only reason why I can't demand the truth is because of a different person. It's like shoving me in a crack in the cement while I get poo smeared on my face from both sides and just take it.
God please give me wisdom and give me eyes to see the truth - the full truth.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Not giving thanks?
This is a short insert from the very slow thanksgiving blog entries. I think the reason I'm having a lot of difficulties writing about what I'm thankful for is because I've just been really bitter lately. It's either the stress from long work hours or lack of sleep or something but I'm so sensitive to any and every negative comment and I have lost all patience with people. Say something slightly offensive to me and I'd want to backhand smack you. On top of all that, my bitterness is causing me more stress because I know I shouldn't be like this, but the stress doesn't help me figure it out faster and it's making me more bitter. Endless cycle!!! Why have I become like this? I pray the Lord pull me from this pit soon. Anyone else who read this blog, I would appreciate if you prayed for me as well. Thanks in advance.
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