I've been at a spiritual low for awhile now and people (probably the one or two who bothers to read this) will probably find me a dark person considering it's always been something negative I write about. But I guess I consider this rarely visited blog a place to vent and not always to Jay - which I still do a lot so props to him for not getting pissed at me for being a thundercloud half the time.
Anyways, I know when I'm at a low when I find it so difficult to love another. When my positive energy is so easily overshadowed by someone's negative energy. For example, my day is going fine (but fine I mean I'm neither happy, nor sad) and then I go and hang around a person who makes annoying comments for about 2 minutes and I already want to chuck the closest object within hands reach at that person's head. I honestly wonder to myself when I became so short tempered. Not like I was that patient to begin with but I was definitely more of a happy-go-lucky person back then who probably wouldn't even notice people who make annoying comments here and there and small gestures and movements that could possibly signify that they are dissing me. I just didn't used to care because I'm happy not noticing. So why am I so sensitive and quick to anger now? I feel like I have very little love to give and I can't blame anyone else because I know that if I'm feeling this way, I must be giving off a negative vibe to someone else as well who will probably not treat me as friendly and closely since I'm probably intimidating and scary to be around. Even if I try to smile and be happy, I have very little to say and I feel distant with people I'm around. My conversational abilities have shot way down and I'm at a point where I just no longer want to talk to people anymore. All these qualities I don't want. I want to be my old self again. A person who cares about others and want to do more for others and want to make people happy which makes me happy. At this state, all my energy is going towards appeasing myself and not angering myself which is very selfish. God seems so far away...or maybe I'm just pushing Him away somehow because my heart doesn't feel the warm glow that should be there since He is living within me. I need Him now more than ever but waiting for something to happen...just don't know if I'm supposed to wait or do something.
Just today, I was at a friend's house and her husband just has to find a need to comment on the fact that my dad is 'cool' because he's the only non-Christian in my family. I have no reaction to that other than anger. I literally wanted to shove my seat back and leave. I obviously didn't because I know that it's not the right thing to do but I was burning inside. What does he know about my family difficulties over the years from my dad's side of the family being against us for being Christians? Not a dang thing! I don't know why people feel the need to make a comment like that. It's like going up to a cancer survivor and for no particular reason start saying "You said you had cancer, right? I don't believe in that. I think it's all in your head and if you believe you have cancer, then you do. I never had cancer because I don't believe I would." I mean it's a dumb example but even from that you can see that it's not socially acceptable to make a demeaning and degrading comment about something you know nothing about and just shove your own ignorant perspective into it. What purpose does that serve? How was I supposed to respond to it? What I really want to know is how is a Christian supposed to respond to it? Fight it out and stand up for your faith? Respond in love and understand in your heart that there are people who will persecute you and to set a good example? Hide under the bed? I don't know. It's infuriating. Yet another day if the life of the anti-sunshine.
No comments:
Post a Comment