that I'm defined by God, not by man.
My identity and future is not to be brought down by what I deem as failure. All downfalls are opportunities for God to lead me in the correct direction, the more amazing path He already has set out for me.
Praise the Lord with all my soul.
Amen.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Thursday, November 3, 2011
God is LOVE...seriously
One of those things that people just say all the time in church - "God is love."
It's along the same lines as "Jesus loves you" and "Christ died for your sins" and all those important things that people should know, hear all the time, but never really know. Ya know?
Today, while I was trying to explain the purpose of the teacher strike to the students, I found that I was faced with some students who understood, but also a handful of conceited responses that seem to think that everything revolves around them:
"Why are you striking?" "Does that mean we don't get to play sports anymore because of you being on strike (unpaid work)?" "Does that mean we don't get our report cards because you are doing less work (even if it's unpaid work)?" "This is stupid" "How is this for us?" *tunes out explanation*
In my perspective, what is the point of taking a stand in doing something for these people who don't understand, don't appreciate, and don't care to learn about it? The terms ignorant, arrogant, short-sighted, self-absorbed, and immediate gratification comes to mind.
Yes, I'm pissed. Because in a job where most teachers are willing to sacrifice their own pathetic salary in an extremely expensive city to receive a better learning environment for the sake of the students, and receiving rude and condemning responses from the students really stirs up a wrath from within me.
At the same time, each day I go through praying for God to give me love and patience towards the kids, this experience really taught me how God must see us:
A bunch of whiney ninnies who are given a ton of blessings and yet still complains about how unfair life is. People who think they are better and deserve more than their neighbour. People who finds delight in seeing others fail just to make themselves feel like more of a winner. People who does not hesitate to take and feels like it's the biggest thing in the world to sacrifice.
How did God manage not to smite all us??? Because GOD IS LOVE. And it's damn hard having the power to rid this world of this dysfunctional race and choosing not to do it because He actually loves us that much.
All I have to say is everyone should be thankful that I'm not God because we'd all be fried chicken by now.
It's along the same lines as "Jesus loves you" and "Christ died for your sins" and all those important things that people should know, hear all the time, but never really know. Ya know?
Today, while I was trying to explain the purpose of the teacher strike to the students, I found that I was faced with some students who understood, but also a handful of conceited responses that seem to think that everything revolves around them:
"Why are you striking?" "Does that mean we don't get to play sports anymore because of you being on strike (unpaid work)?" "Does that mean we don't get our report cards because you are doing less work (even if it's unpaid work)?" "This is stupid" "How is this for us?" *tunes out explanation*
In my perspective, what is the point of taking a stand in doing something for these people who don't understand, don't appreciate, and don't care to learn about it? The terms ignorant, arrogant, short-sighted, self-absorbed, and immediate gratification comes to mind.
Yes, I'm pissed. Because in a job where most teachers are willing to sacrifice their own pathetic salary in an extremely expensive city to receive a better learning environment for the sake of the students, and receiving rude and condemning responses from the students really stirs up a wrath from within me.
At the same time, each day I go through praying for God to give me love and patience towards the kids, this experience really taught me how God must see us:
A bunch of whiney ninnies who are given a ton of blessings and yet still complains about how unfair life is. People who think they are better and deserve more than their neighbour. People who finds delight in seeing others fail just to make themselves feel like more of a winner. People who does not hesitate to take and feels like it's the biggest thing in the world to sacrifice.
How did God manage not to smite all us??? Because GOD IS LOVE. And it's damn hard having the power to rid this world of this dysfunctional race and choosing not to do it because He actually loves us that much.
All I have to say is everyone should be thankful that I'm not God because we'd all be fried chicken by now.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
I'm with Stupid
I've been at a spiritual low for awhile now and people (probably the one or two who bothers to read this) will probably find me a dark person considering it's always been something negative I write about. But I guess I consider this rarely visited blog a place to vent and not always to Jay - which I still do a lot so props to him for not getting pissed at me for being a thundercloud half the time.
Anyways, I know when I'm at a low when I find it so difficult to love another. When my positive energy is so easily overshadowed by someone's negative energy. For example, my day is going fine (but fine I mean I'm neither happy, nor sad) and then I go and hang around a person who makes annoying comments for about 2 minutes and I already want to chuck the closest object within hands reach at that person's head. I honestly wonder to myself when I became so short tempered. Not like I was that patient to begin with but I was definitely more of a happy-go-lucky person back then who probably wouldn't even notice people who make annoying comments here and there and small gestures and movements that could possibly signify that they are dissing me. I just didn't used to care because I'm happy not noticing. So why am I so sensitive and quick to anger now? I feel like I have very little love to give and I can't blame anyone else because I know that if I'm feeling this way, I must be giving off a negative vibe to someone else as well who will probably not treat me as friendly and closely since I'm probably intimidating and scary to be around. Even if I try to smile and be happy, I have very little to say and I feel distant with people I'm around. My conversational abilities have shot way down and I'm at a point where I just no longer want to talk to people anymore. All these qualities I don't want. I want to be my old self again. A person who cares about others and want to do more for others and want to make people happy which makes me happy. At this state, all my energy is going towards appeasing myself and not angering myself which is very selfish. God seems so far away...or maybe I'm just pushing Him away somehow because my heart doesn't feel the warm glow that should be there since He is living within me. I need Him now more than ever but waiting for something to happen...just don't know if I'm supposed to wait or do something.
Just today, I was at a friend's house and her husband just has to find a need to comment on the fact that my dad is 'cool' because he's the only non-Christian in my family. I have no reaction to that other than anger. I literally wanted to shove my seat back and leave. I obviously didn't because I know that it's not the right thing to do but I was burning inside. What does he know about my family difficulties over the years from my dad's side of the family being against us for being Christians? Not a dang thing! I don't know why people feel the need to make a comment like that. It's like going up to a cancer survivor and for no particular reason start saying "You said you had cancer, right? I don't believe in that. I think it's all in your head and if you believe you have cancer, then you do. I never had cancer because I don't believe I would." I mean it's a dumb example but even from that you can see that it's not socially acceptable to make a demeaning and degrading comment about something you know nothing about and just shove your own ignorant perspective into it. What purpose does that serve? How was I supposed to respond to it? What I really want to know is how is a Christian supposed to respond to it? Fight it out and stand up for your faith? Respond in love and understand in your heart that there are people who will persecute you and to set a good example? Hide under the bed? I don't know. It's infuriating. Yet another day if the life of the anti-sunshine.
Anyways, I know when I'm at a low when I find it so difficult to love another. When my positive energy is so easily overshadowed by someone's negative energy. For example, my day is going fine (but fine I mean I'm neither happy, nor sad) and then I go and hang around a person who makes annoying comments for about 2 minutes and I already want to chuck the closest object within hands reach at that person's head. I honestly wonder to myself when I became so short tempered. Not like I was that patient to begin with but I was definitely more of a happy-go-lucky person back then who probably wouldn't even notice people who make annoying comments here and there and small gestures and movements that could possibly signify that they are dissing me. I just didn't used to care because I'm happy not noticing. So why am I so sensitive and quick to anger now? I feel like I have very little love to give and I can't blame anyone else because I know that if I'm feeling this way, I must be giving off a negative vibe to someone else as well who will probably not treat me as friendly and closely since I'm probably intimidating and scary to be around. Even if I try to smile and be happy, I have very little to say and I feel distant with people I'm around. My conversational abilities have shot way down and I'm at a point where I just no longer want to talk to people anymore. All these qualities I don't want. I want to be my old self again. A person who cares about others and want to do more for others and want to make people happy which makes me happy. At this state, all my energy is going towards appeasing myself and not angering myself which is very selfish. God seems so far away...or maybe I'm just pushing Him away somehow because my heart doesn't feel the warm glow that should be there since He is living within me. I need Him now more than ever but waiting for something to happen...just don't know if I'm supposed to wait or do something.
Just today, I was at a friend's house and her husband just has to find a need to comment on the fact that my dad is 'cool' because he's the only non-Christian in my family. I have no reaction to that other than anger. I literally wanted to shove my seat back and leave. I obviously didn't because I know that it's not the right thing to do but I was burning inside. What does he know about my family difficulties over the years from my dad's side of the family being against us for being Christians? Not a dang thing! I don't know why people feel the need to make a comment like that. It's like going up to a cancer survivor and for no particular reason start saying "You said you had cancer, right? I don't believe in that. I think it's all in your head and if you believe you have cancer, then you do. I never had cancer because I don't believe I would." I mean it's a dumb example but even from that you can see that it's not socially acceptable to make a demeaning and degrading comment about something you know nothing about and just shove your own ignorant perspective into it. What purpose does that serve? How was I supposed to respond to it? What I really want to know is how is a Christian supposed to respond to it? Fight it out and stand up for your faith? Respond in love and understand in your heart that there are people who will persecute you and to set a good example? Hide under the bed? I don't know. It's infuriating. Yet another day if the life of the anti-sunshine.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Trust?
First off I'll have to admit that I do not plan to continue to blog the gratitude challenge just because I know it'll be an empty promise. At some point I'll have to figure it out myself for all the things I'm grateful for and to continue to remind myself that God always provides.
Tonight was one of those nights that shakes my faith in another person. I realize and have experienced negative things with EVERY person that I've come to known as a friend. I accept those negative traits as just part of who they are and in general, I believe that my friends are good people. Honestly, I believe that all people are good people in the eyes of someone and I just happen to not be friends with them due to personality differences or maybe because they are no where near me. In the eyes of God, who sees our vast amount of sins and still loves us and sent His son to die for us. There has got to be a reason why we are saved.
But what happens when there is a revelation that someone who is one of your close friends is actually not who you thought they were? That behind that smile, there is something sinister - a purpose for being friends with you planning to someday use you. That actions and words don't match at all! Is it possible that having seen that person struggle through so much pain, given up so much for other people, seen that person battling constantly inside themselves and expressing to you their weaknesses - can that person be someone entirely different? I've always wondered how some people can end up marrying a cheating b*st*rd and not realize it until 20 years later. How can you be so close, yet so far? Fools. That's how I feel like right now. A big fool.
But what am I supposed to do? With my personality, faking things is more difficult than just duking it out and end up on bad terms. At least there's still truth in a scream fest. What's the point of putting on a smile and putting effort into something you don't believe in? At this moment, the only reason why I can't demand the truth is because of a different person. It's like shoving me in a crack in the cement while I get poo smeared on my face from both sides and just take it.
God please give me wisdom and give me eyes to see the truth - the full truth.
Tonight was one of those nights that shakes my faith in another person. I realize and have experienced negative things with EVERY person that I've come to known as a friend. I accept those negative traits as just part of who they are and in general, I believe that my friends are good people. Honestly, I believe that all people are good people in the eyes of someone and I just happen to not be friends with them due to personality differences or maybe because they are no where near me. In the eyes of God, who sees our vast amount of sins and still loves us and sent His son to die for us. There has got to be a reason why we are saved.
But what happens when there is a revelation that someone who is one of your close friends is actually not who you thought they were? That behind that smile, there is something sinister - a purpose for being friends with you planning to someday use you. That actions and words don't match at all! Is it possible that having seen that person struggle through so much pain, given up so much for other people, seen that person battling constantly inside themselves and expressing to you their weaknesses - can that person be someone entirely different? I've always wondered how some people can end up marrying a cheating b*st*rd and not realize it until 20 years later. How can you be so close, yet so far? Fools. That's how I feel like right now. A big fool.
But what am I supposed to do? With my personality, faking things is more difficult than just duking it out and end up on bad terms. At least there's still truth in a scream fest. What's the point of putting on a smile and putting effort into something you don't believe in? At this moment, the only reason why I can't demand the truth is because of a different person. It's like shoving me in a crack in the cement while I get poo smeared on my face from both sides and just take it.
God please give me wisdom and give me eyes to see the truth - the full truth.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Not giving thanks?
This is a short insert from the very slow thanksgiving blog entries. I think the reason I'm having a lot of difficulties writing about what I'm thankful for is because I've just been really bitter lately. It's either the stress from long work hours or lack of sleep or something but I'm so sensitive to any and every negative comment and I have lost all patience with people. Say something slightly offensive to me and I'd want to backhand smack you. On top of all that, my bitterness is causing me more stress because I know I shouldn't be like this, but the stress doesn't help me figure it out faster and it's making me more bitter. Endless cycle!!! Why have I become like this? I pray the Lord pull me from this pit soon. Anyone else who read this blog, I would appreciate if you prayed for me as well. Thanks in advance.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
40 Day Gratitude Challenge - Day 6
Today I'm thankful for:
- Getting most of my marks done for term 1 cut-off. Tiring work =_=
- Jason coming to visit me as a sit in a dark corner inputting my marks.
- Having dinner ready as I got home. Having a home-cooked meal after starving for a couple of hours tastes extra good =)
- My Catering Club - JOLLY CORNER CAFE - is under way! Anyone want some delicious treats come by my school on Dec 14 at 3:30pm and hang out at our cafe. Who needs bubble tea anyways?
- Korean dramas - they're so much more interesting than I thought they'd be. Brilliant Legacy gave me hours of good entertainment, much sleep deprived because it's so addictive.
- Christmas! Regardless, it's still one of my favourite times of the year because it brings back so many happy memories. Still waiting for that carriage ride through Central Park and seeing the big Christmas tree in New York to complete my fantasy.
- My car being fixed for a decent price. Really didn't expect to have such a gaping hole in my wallet but praise the Lord for giving me a car and providing me with a job to pay for the many unfortunate incidences. To be honest, it could have been a lot worse. Who knows what accident I might have gotten into if I'd made it to the big streets?
- My dad for going around and finding an inexpensive autobody shop for me and negotiating prices for me and checking up on my car while it's being fixed (it's near his work place). Makes me feel less like I'm going to be gypped because I'm a girl who knows not much about cars.
- Korres eyeliner deal at Lynnwood! Originally went down because Jason wanted to pick up a board game but I ended up getting the deal. One of my fave black pencil eyeliner is by Korres which I picked up at Sephora for $21. Found a limited time package deal of 10 eyeliners for only $32.50 (USD plus tax). WOW!
- Warm baths - somehow particular enticing this time of year. So comfy... *gurgle drown* j/k!
Saturday, November 20, 2010
40 Day Gratitude Challenge - Day 5
Haha I'm SO slow with this challenge but it's moving along:
Today I'm thankful for:
Today I'm thankful for:
- Snow! I think you either love it or hate it. For me, snow has it's inconveniences but it always bring back happy childhood feelings. I remember living in my first house, looking up at the snow falling until it feels like I'm flying up towards the sky. I guess this is why they say early childhood experiences are important in shaping your life?
- Warm home - when it's cold outside, I feel blessed to be inside my warm house admiring the beauty.
- Youtube - endless videos that show super talented people showcasing their skills. It really opens up my eyes to what kind of gifts are out there. Then again, I need to stay away from beauty reviews because it always makes me want to shop =S
- The big kitchen warehouse sale. I originally thought I couldn't go because it was by invitation only, but my colleague sent me her invitation so I could go. Bought lots of kitchenware goodies. I'm quite as addicted to kitchenware as I am to make-up. Bought pie/cake pans, egg poacher, pancake stencils, mini sifter, a mini mandoline, an apple peeler/corer/cutter, and a bunch of random stuff I probably won't need but nice to have if I ever need it. :)
- Vegas trip - we are going! I was looking forward to traveling this winter holiday. It's motivating me to get through the year one break at a time. After this it's planning something for spring break =) Let me know if you guys have ideas! So far it's my sisters and Jason. Gonna be a fun time!
- Columbia jacket - bought it last time when Jason, his parents and I went to the states. Jason is a Columbia fan because he loves all his jackets he gets from there so he convinced me that it's better than investing in another North Face jacket. It was a great deal and is a double so I can wear both layers or just the thinner one underneath. I think it'll really come in happy now that it's going to be a cold winter.
- My car - yes it's been busted since the first month I got it due more to the crazy snowfall in 2008 more than my driving skills. But despite it's ugly battle scars that make a 2 year old car look so beaten down, it's been reliably taking me to travel different destinations and giving me the freedom to go where I want. I even made it down to Oregon and back!
- Nails - this one is random but I've been into nail art since Paula did my nails and I'm happy to have relatively nicely shaped nails to work with.
- Friends - don't see them a lot these days but it's nice they still remember me enough to send invites for gatherings. Always nice to know that there are people out there who like me (well...most of the time anyways :D)
- My bed - warm and snuggly and have been there for me for over 10 years. Gonna jump in and bundle up now. Good night!!!
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