Trust?

First off I'll have to admit that I do not plan to continue to blog the gratitude challenge just because I know it'll be an empty promise.  At some point I'll have to figure it out myself for all the things I'm grateful for and to continue to remind myself that God always provides.

Tonight was one of those nights that shakes my faith in another person.  I realize and have experienced negative things with EVERY person that I've come to known as a friend.  I accept those negative traits as just part of who they are and in general, I believe that my friends are good people.  Honestly, I believe that all people are good people in the eyes of someone and I just happen to not be friends with them due to personality differences or maybe because they are no where near me.  In the eyes of God, who sees our vast amount of sins and still loves us and sent His son to die for us.  There has got to be a reason why we are saved.

But what happens when there is a revelation that someone who is one of your close friends is actually not who you thought they were?  That behind that smile, there is something sinister - a purpose for being friends with you planning to someday use you.  That actions and words don't match at all!  Is it possible that having seen that person struggle through so much pain, given up so much for other people, seen that person battling constantly inside themselves and expressing to you their weaknesses - can that person be someone entirely different?  I've always wondered how some people can end up marrying a cheating b*st*rd and not realize it until 20 years later.  How can you be so close, yet so far?  Fools.  That's how I feel like right now.  A big fool.

But what am I supposed to do?  With my personality, faking things is more difficult than just duking it out and end up on bad terms.  At least there's still truth in a scream fest.  What's the point of putting on a smile and putting effort into something you don't believe in?  At this moment, the only reason why I can't demand the truth is because of a different person.  It's like shoving me in a crack in the cement while I get poo smeared on my face from both sides and just take it. 

God please give me wisdom and give me eyes to see the truth - the full truth.

Not giving thanks?

This is a short insert from the very slow thanksgiving blog entries.  I think the reason I'm having a lot of difficulties writing about what I'm thankful for is because I've just been really bitter lately.  It's either the stress from long work hours or lack of sleep or something but I'm so sensitive to any and every negative comment and I have lost all patience with people.  Say something slightly offensive to me and I'd want to backhand smack you.  On top of all that, my bitterness is causing me more stress because I know I shouldn't be like this, but the stress doesn't help me figure it out faster and it's making me more bitter.  Endless cycle!!!  Why have I become like this?  I pray the Lord pull me from this pit soon.  Anyone else who read this blog, I would appreciate if you prayed for me as well.  Thanks in advance.

40 Day Gratitude Challenge - Day 6

Today I'm thankful for:

1.  Getting most of my marks done for term 1 cut-off.  Tiring work =_=
2. Jason coming to visit me as a sit in a dark corner inputting my marks.
3. Having dinner ready as I got home.  Having a home-cooked meal after starving for a couple of hours tastes extra good =)
4. My Catering Club - JOLLY CORNER CAFE - is under way!  Anyone want some delicious treats come by my school on Dec 14 at 3:30pm and hang out at our cafe.  Who needs bubble tea anyways?
5. Korean dramas - they're so much more interesting than I thought they'd be.  Brilliant Legacy gave me hours of good entertainment, much sleep deprived because it's so addictive.
6. Christmas!  Regardless, it's still one of my favourite times of the year because it brings back so many happy memories.  Still waiting for that carriage ride through Central Park and seeing the big Christmas tree in New York to complete my fantasy.
7. My car being fixed for a decent price.  Really didn't expect to have such a gaping hole in my wallet but praise the Lord for giving me a car and providing me with a job to pay for the many unfortunate incidences.  To be honest, it could have been a lot worse.  Who knows what accident I might have gotten into if I'd made it to the big streets?
8. My dad for going around and finding an inexpensive autobody shop for me and negotiating prices for me and checking up on my car while it's being fixed (it's near his work place).  Makes me feel less like I'm going to be gypped because I'm a girl who knows not much about cars.
9. Korres eyeliner deal at Lynnwood!  Originally went down because Jason wanted to pick up a board game but I ended up getting the deal.  One of my fave black pencil eyeliner is by Korres which I picked up at Sephora for $21.  Found a limited time package deal of 10 eyeliners for only $32.50 (USD plus tax).  WOW!
10. Warm baths - somehow particular enticing this time of year.  So comfy... *gurgle drown* j/k!

40 Day Gratitude Challenge - Day 5

Haha I'm SO slow with this challenge but it's moving along:

Today I'm thankful for:

1. Snow!  I think you either love it or hate it.  For me, snow has it's inconveniences but it always bring back happy childhood feelings.  I remember living in my first house, looking up at the snow falling until it feels like I'm flying up towards the sky.  I guess this is why they say early childhood experiences are important in shaping your life?
   
2. Warm home - when it's cold outside, I feel blessed to be inside my warm house admiring the beauty.
   
3. Youtube - endless videos that show super talented people showcasing their skills.  It really opens up my eyes to what kind of gifts are out there.  Then again, I need to stay away from beauty reviews because it always makes me want to shop =S
   
4. The big kitchen warehouse sale.  I originally thought I couldn't go because it was by invitation only, but my colleague sent me her invitation so I could go.  Bought lots of kitchenware goodies.  I'm quite as addicted to kitchenware as I am to make-up.  Bought pie/cake pans, egg poacher, pancake stencils, mini sifter, a mini mandoline, an apple peeler/corer/cutter, and a bunch of random stuff I probably won't need but nice to have if I ever need it. :)
   
5. Vegas trip - we are going!  I was looking forward to traveling this winter holiday.  It's motivating me to get through the year one break at a time.  After this it's planning something for spring break =)  Let me know if you guys have ideas!  So far it's my sisters and Jason.  Gonna be a fun time!
   
6. Columbia jacket - bought it last time when Jason, his parents and I went to the states.  Jason is a Columbia fan because he loves all his jackets he gets from there so he convinced me that it's better than investing in another North Face jacket.  It was a great deal and is a double so I can wear both layers or just the thinner one underneath.  I think it'll really come in happy now that it's going to be a cold winter.
   
7. My car - yes it's been busted since the first month I got it due more to the crazy snowfall in 2008 more than my driving skills.  But despite it's ugly battle scars that make a 2 year old car look so beaten down, it's been reliably taking me to travel different destinations and giving me the freedom to go where I want.  I even made it down to Oregon and back!
   
8. Nails - this one is random but I've been into nail art since Paula did my nails and I'm happy to have relatively nicely shaped nails to work with.
   
9. Friends - don't see them a lot these days but it's nice they still remember me enough to send invites for gatherings.  Always nice to know that there are people out there who like me (well...most of the time anyways :D)
   
10. My bed - warm and snuggly and have been there for me for over 10 years.  Gonna jump in and bundle up now.  Good night!!!

40 Day Gratitude Challenge - Day 4

I know I'm way behind on this challenge but still moving along.

Today I'm thankful for:

1. A relatively short staff meeting, and I was not nodding off!
2. Being able to finish making my Preservation Arts test for the grade 11/12s.
3. Double of my spare blocks due to the Remembrance Day assembly next week!  I get a break between 9:25am-12:35pm!  Now to think of something totally unproductive to do during that time...
4. The newly put together Christian Club - first meeting I went to today, we played Biblical Charades.  Was lots of fun and nice to see familiar faces of students I didn't know were Christians.
5. Ursula who seeked to resolve our tiff by buying me a larger container of Ben & Jerry's ice cream.
6. The man who was very rude, came up to me and Jason and told us off for the driving mistake his son made, and then proceeded to walk away and not listen to our explanation.  We were on our way to church (and so was he).  Jason and I were very angry and felt disrespected.  But through the sermon, we found peace.  Jason was also reminded and shared with me that God often feels how we feel.  Because often when we pray, we rarely listen, but just us spewing out our needs to God.  If we felt angry and unjustified, I can't imagine how God feels.  A good reminder and food for thought.
7. Finding the cheaper version of a higher recommended lip liner.
8. The mini-Halloween chocolate bars.  I feel less guilty eating small ones (now it's just a matter of keeping the numbers to a minimum).
9. The ability to drive to work in the pouring rain and dark mornings.
10. The pouring rain and dark mornings - sounds strange but the change it weather makes me think of Christmas.  Plus waking up and going to work in the dark somehow makes me feel like I woke up earlier than usual and therefore more productive.

Goodnite!

40 Day Gratitude Challenge - Day 3

Today, I'm thankful for...

1. Jason's dad driving us all down to the states for a bit of shopping.
2. Having some leftover US dollars to use so no need to convert more out of my account.
3. Finding a very warm Columbia winter jacket (thanks to Jason's suggestion since he's a fan) to replace my 5 year old pink puffy North Face jacket.  It was on sale from $210 down to $150 and then an additional 25% off.  And it's actually 2 in 1 so I can unzip the top layer and just wear the bottom layer (which alone costs $70).  Great deal for a quality jacket. 
4. Being able to go find the handbag my sister wanted to buy for my mom at the Coach outlet store, get to the cashier and pay before a huge line-ups formed in- and outside of the store.
5. Being able to sleep during the long car ride.
6. Finding the Revlon Super Lustrous lip gloss colours that are not yet (or maybe they won't be available at all) in Vancouver stores!  Been searching in every London Drugs, Shoppers Drug Mart, Superstore, and Walmart around here and no luck until today at Target.  And better  yet, the prices is half of what they sell it here.
7. Finding mini Haagen Dazs and Ben & Jerry ice cream for $1 each (don't get to indulge that like everyday!)
8. Eating some delicious steak once again at Outback Steakhouse.
9. Getting through the borders without waiting too long and with no hassle.
10. Getting home safely from the mini road-trip.

40 Day Gratitude Challenge - Day 2

Today, I'm thankful for...

1. Having a toilet available when I was suddenly attacked with a major stomachache after what I suspect as eating some old ham.
2. The cool sensation of tiger balm rubbed on my belly.  It reminds me of childhood.
3. Getting paid and being able to pay off my hefty visa bill.
4. Having some Christian students (none of the ones I'm teaching this year) drop by after school and had a short but rather nice chit-chat on science and Christianity.
5. The sunny weather which brightens up my mood, but chilly enough to keep groceries in the car rather than stuffing my refrigerator =)
6. My sweet student who wrote Happy Birthday on a piece of wrapped gum when she found out it was Jason's birthday.
7. My new computer - it's so much faster and the screen is so much brighter!
8. Praise 106.5 - my radio station for the past three years where God uses music and sermons that speak to me.
9. My bed - it's so comfortable *snuggle*
10. The ability to snooze, hopefully dreamlessly, tonight.